Chapter 1.10 – How to Love

When Jeffrey called, I didn’t care if it was past midnight. I could tell that he was tired of having to drive so long to get into town, but he still stayed up talking to me. He wanted to know more about me and my life, but I wasn’t sure what to tell him. I didn’t want to give him a bad image of myself. Like how I had three kids with two different fathers. Or how my daughter was a dropout. Or how Marcus gets aggressive and violent. All those facts were true, but weren’t things I wanted to hear or talk about. Jeffrey and I talked till at least 1am but both of us were getting sleepy therefore we hung up and set ourselves a date to meet up.

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* * *

Going back to work after being home from pregnancy leave is always tough. I felt good being at home and now going back to the office was a change. After a long shift of nine hours, I rode the carpool back home. I was exhausted. All I wanted was to take a long bath and climb into bed.

I got to the front door and stepped inside. Patty was at work, and Josh was staying at a friend’s house. Austin came crawling towards me but when I came to pick him up he started crying. I sighed to myself; this was the usual. I put him back down and watched as he wiped away his tears.

Putting my bag onto the counter, I walked through the house calling for Marcus. I stepped into my bedroom wanting to get some cozy clothes to put on right after my bath. Opening the bedroom door I saw a suitcase on the bed filled with clothes, and Marcus emptying out the drawer’s.

“Um, Marcus, what are you doing?”

“Listen Faith, I tried hanging on as long as I could, but this life just isn’t for me. I’m leaving.”

Just hearing the words was bringing tears to my eyes. I know Marcus and I never had that in-love relationship, but I couldn’t bear hearing him say the words that he was leaving.

“Wha..I don’t understand? You told me you were getting used to this?” He put the last of his belongings in his bag and stood facing me.

“I wanted you to be happy and I tried to like it, I really did. But I just couldn’t”

“What do you mean you tried liking it? This is your family Marcus, you shouldn’t have to try. These are your kids we’re talking about!”

“I never wanted kids Faith! How many times did I have to tell you that.”

“So what’s your big plan? You’re just going to pack your bags and leave your family? Leave your kids and let them grow up without a father?”

“Gosh Faith why do you always put the blame on me!”

The tears in my eyes rolled down my soft cheek. I don’t know why I was crying. I never was in love with Marcus, and the way he treated me scared me at times. I felt a heavy weight on my chest, and I wasn’t able to say anything in reply to Marcus. Maybe I was crying because of the thought of having no man in my life. Maybe it was because my kids were growing up without a father, without a man in their lives. Or maybe I was simply crying, finally realizing how my life was a complete mess, and that I never had a steady man in my life. How I never had a steady job, or steady friends. Thank the lord for having steady kids, but then again, they deserved so much better.

Marcus walked across the room, picking up more of his belongings. “Trust me Faith, you’re going to be much happier without me. You’ll find better than me I’m sure of it, and I won’t be there to interfere.”

Finally finding my voice, I asked him, “What am I suppose to tell the kids?”

“That’s not my responsibility anymore, and I know you won’t be taking me to court anytime soon with your financial state . You can tell them whatever you like. Tell them I’m on vacation, I got a job, I changed country, went to jail, anything Faith. You can tell them I’m dead if that’s what you want.”

I shook my head back and forth, unable to believe what was happening. This wasn’t about me anymore, this was about my kids. I raised my hand too my mouth, tears still filling my pale blue eyes.

Marcus pushed by me and headed for the front door. I walked behind him, keeping my head low, my hair covering most of my face. He walked out the door and yelled behind him, “Sorry Faith! Hope you live yourself a good life, but it’ll have to be without me. Goodbye.” And in that same minute, he was gone. For good.

I couldn’t believe what was happening. The tears on my cheeks dried up against my skin, and I stood in my bedroom, trying to take it all in. I decided I needed company, adult company. I phoned my Mom, and she agreed on coming over for supper. I prepared a fresh family meal, and the whole family sat around the table, savoring with tasty food and making small-talk. Austin made the most noise. Clacking his fork on his high chair and babbling with baby talk. Patty slipped in a few words here and there, and Joshua kept quiet most of the meal. After serving dessert, I cleaned up the leftover dishes and sat back down with Mom.

“Faith, I can tell something’s on your mind. You can tell me you know.” Mom looked straight at me, her eyes glistening in the light. I bowed my head lower, avoiding her glance and not responding. She continued, “Marcus isn’t really working now is he?” I sighed to myself. She had such a way into knowing the truth. She leaned closer towards me, waiting for me to say the truth.

I took another few breaths, able to smell the smoke odor on her clothes and breath. “Ok Ma, he isn’t at work. Your right. He’s left me, he’s left all of us.” Just talking about it made me want to cry again, but I kept in the tears. I continued, “He just didn’t want kids. He never wanted them from the start but I thought that with time he would grow in love with them. After all they are his own children.” I shook my head, unable to understand everything that was happening.

To comfort me, Mom took my hand across the table and said quietly, “Life is full of lousy men. I mean, look at your father. We were never in love Faith, but sometimes we need to go through things that we don’t necessarily like but still manage to do. And I know you don’t need Marcus in your life. You were always a strong and independent girl, even when you were just a child. You’ll be a great mom, just on your own.”

I forced a smile towards my mom. I’m sure I’d pull through without Marcus, but she still didn’t understand. I didn’t want a man in my life to help me financially or with hard work. I wanted a man in my life to support me, and to hold me when things were hard. I wanted to be loved, and throughout my whole life, I never learned how to love.

Auhtor’s Note

Sorry for the lack of updates lately! I’ve been really caught up in many different things, but now that everything seems to be back on track, the updates should come more regularly. But of course with school, friends, work, family, and other activities, it might take a little over a week before an update is posted! Thank you all so much for your patience, and I’ll definitely be going to all your legacies and catching up with my reading. No worries, the Auburn’s haven’t left! Stay tuned for the next chapter! 😉

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